I don't enjoy being awake.
Being awake is more of a nightmare,
than a nightmare itself.
Do I even matter to you?
Do you even matter to me?
Do you even care about me?
Do I even care about you?
I worry about you
I get jealous because of you
You make me mad
I care about what you say
and how you see other girls
But I can't define this
It's weird
I can't tell


I was wrong.
Completely 110% wrong.
Everything I've said was wrong.
I didn't realize it until last night.
Until yesterday.
Until everything that had happened.
It took me awhile to understand why on earth I am so damn attached to you. I was the one being conventional. I was lying to myself, and probably to everyone who asked me about you. He had once asked me, why am I still holding onto you. We haven't done much, so I have no reason to hold onto you. But he was wrong. It doesn't matter what we did, what matters is the things I said to you. I opened up to you. I told you my secrets. I confessed to you. I haven't been able to do that with anyone. You understand me the way I want to be understood. You listen to me. You have always, always been here from the moment you met me. I am comfortable with sharing my stories with you. You told me from the beginning that I was able to tell you anything, and never will I forget that. All the things that I have done with him I had wanted to do with you. I'm not over you. I was never over you. I just never gave you enough credit. I was the one who was bad. It wasn't you. My negativity. The way I perceived the world. My constant tendency to make you worry.  I'm so so sorry. I don't want to lose you. Time and time again, I write things in between the line, and I hope you know it's all for you. I hope you KNOW how much you mean to me. I told myself I didn't want to think about my feelings for you, and that I had hid it away in a box. But I guess I lied about that. I never stopped liking you. And you know what, it sucks because the more I try to deny my feelings, the stronger it grows. And I think it's a little too late to stop.
You gave me hope.
You make me smile.
You make me happy.
I can't risk losing you.
I need you to stay.
Even if we're not together.
I need you to stay with me.
Please.
I love you.
In a conventional type of way, I love you. And when I say I love you, I mean that I love who you are, I love the way you laugh and how your eyes light up, I love the way your lips curl into a smile when you look at me, I love the way you would sneak glances my way and I the same with you. I love the patience you have for me, and I love that you are you. But at the same time, I'm sad to say that I wish I didn't love you. I may not be in love with you, but I still love you. I've come to love you. I've come to care. And when you're absent, your presence is what I miss. I miss you. And I don't want to.
And I love you,
but I don't want to.
And I'm afraid to say that I love you,
only to hear in response that you don't.


I am always placing my anger on you, and for that I am sorry.
I told myself that we are friends, and that there is nothing deeper than that.
But a part of me refuses to believe that and the thought of you with another girl pains me.
And I'm not even trying to be a better girl.
I'm just burdening you with all this anger,
and you don't even realize the sadness that I'm harboring inside of me
because I refuse to tell you, that all this,
connects to you.
I know you don't mean to hurt me,
and that's why I can never resent you.
You're so special to me,
and I don't want to lose you.
I need to start appreciating you.
But I can't appreciate you with feeling attached to you.
How to cut off these complicated feelings?
I want to love you as platonic as I can,
without the romantic, and sexual feelings that accompanies with this love.
I would trade my life for you,
because you deserve life.
You deserve to live,
you deserve to see the world,
you deserve to marry the love of your life,
you deserve to meet people
and influence them with your compassion,
you deserve it.
I, who have been consumed my dirty darkness,
consumed with the impurity,
consumed with the uneven flows of greed,
and lust,
and pain,
and selfishness,
I would trade this life,
for you.
Because you deserve to live. 
So Dear God,
listen to me for once,
take my life,
and give it to her.
She doesn't deserve to leave this world so quick,
she doesn't deserve the pain.
I will give her my life.
God,
higher being,
listen to me just this once.
Give her my life.
Because she deserves to live it,
because I know every minute she's alive,
she will never take it for granted.
Let her live,
and let me ease into death.