Thursday, January 3, 2013 | 10:42 AM | 0 comments
A tad bit late on the new year’s recap, but better late than never as I’d like to say.
I’d
never expect that the year of 2012 would end the way it had. There are so many
things that had happened during the course of that year that it is hard to
recount every single event that occurred. I’m going to try my best to call
everything that happened in hopes of better understanding myself, my life, and
everything in between that.
That
year, I’ve lost a friend whom I never thought I would ever lose. She was a
person whom I admired in a way and I let my pride, my stubborn nature, and
temper ruin our friendship. I should’ve been the bigger person and apologized,
but I didn’t. And I’m very sorry about that. I let myself ruin a very strong
friendship. She was a good person at heart, and I know that. She meant well in
her actions. I do miss her, but even now, I can’t bring myself to go back to her
and apologize. I don’t think I want to, though. It was nice while it lasted and
I’m grateful for her being in my life for the time that she was. The problem
with me is that when I am angry or upset over someone, I let the anger take
control and I do things I don’t mean and I say things I don’t really want to
say, out of spite. I am a spiteful person and I bite back. And I hate to be
this person. I’m very negative about it, and I’m very negative about myself. And
I do blame this entire situation upon me. She is not to blame. She probably
hates me now, and I can understand that. I’d myself too. I’d feel betrayed. And
that’s what I did. I betrayed her, her trust, her faith in me, our friendship. I
ruined it. And I’m sorry. But if I were to rewind back time, I’d do it all over
again. Because life wouldn’t be the same it is now if she were still in my
life. I never deserved her as a friend. But I was thankful for her being that
when I needed her in my life. Now our paths has changed, and she is a heading a
different direction and so am I. With my sincere heart, I do wish her well in
her life and I hope she is okay, and I’m sorry, truly sorry, for the mean words
I’ve said to her. I know it is cowardly to write this without her knowing, but I
think it is best she never reads this. I can imagine her expression and I don’t
think I’m okay with that. I just want her to live her life, and forget that I ever
existed in hers. And that I’m, once again, tremendously sorry for my action and
words.
Another
event that happened during the course of 2012 was the kpop concert back in
March that I attended. I, who had dedicated more than half of my teenage life
to kpop, became detached to kpop the moment I left the concert. I was able to
finally see L.Joe live in person, and I think the realization of reality came
knocking on my door that day. I was never going to be with him. In truth, I had
liked him for his looks and what I saw on videos, but I didn’t know him. And he
will never know me. And it broke my heart in so many ways when I passed by him.
I helped backstage and I saw him. He was only a few arm lengths apart, and I could’ve
even bring myself to smile at him. It was a wasted opportunity. But then again,
I never had much of a shot. My obsession for kpop waned, and when EXO debuted, I
could feel the string of attachment latching onto them. And I thought I was
right back into the scene. But as much as I fell for Kai and Kris, once school
began, the obsession vanished. I don’t really know anymore. I, who based my
life off kpop, changed. Kpop made me, me. Without kpop, I don’t really know who
I’d be. And this is pathetic. To base my life off a music industry… those are
dreams for a little girl. This year I’m 19, and it’s time I step up my game. I can’t
be screaming over these guys. They are just idols. They don’t know me. I don’t
know them. I shouldn’t cry over them. Instead, I should be happy for them in
their success. That is all. I support them through everything, and from now on,
I will love them, only as a fan. Additionally though, before I end this, I’d
like to kpop though for being the vitamin in my life. I began writing, and it
was thanks to my love for these idols that helped enhance my skills in writing.
It improved, a lot. Thanks to them. For that, I am happy. Kpop will always be
apart of me, but it will no longer hold all of me.
There
are so many more events that had occurred in 2012 and I will add that later on,
but I feel that this should be mentioned. This last paragraph will be dedicated
to you. I met you through a mutual friend. I’ve heard about you through him,
and you certainly knew about me through him. You came into my life around
October. During that time, I was somewhat seeing someone else. That person was
mean, yet intellectual. That person taught me to work hard, but that person
wasn’t for me. I liked only the idea of him and that’s where I became trapped
in my fantasy. He didn’t treat me right, and he didn’t like me for me. He liked
me for one reason, and I could never give what he wanted because it didn’t feel
right. He wasn’t the one for me. And throughout that, you were there for me. And
you talked to me. And I didn’t realize then that you’d be as important to me
then as you are now. I don’t remember how our first conversations began, or how
I talked to before, or what we talked about. But we talked everyday, and
without realizing it, I became attached to you. You are very adorable in your
own little way. You are one of the best people I’ve met in 2012, and I wasn’t
kidding when I told you that you were important/special to me. I hope you know I
meant that. I didn’t think we would be talking this long. But here we are…
talking to each other every day. And you are there for me, and I want you to
know that I am here for you. You make me smile. But there’s something that your
shielding from me… and I’ll be patient. You are kind hearted and so gentle, and
you are not a bad person. You’re not like the rest. You really aren’t. You
stuck around with a crazy, sullen bitch like me and for that, I am so happy. You
came into my life during a dark era, and you stuck by. And I wish I could see
you more often. The alone time we got on my birthday was perfect. And I want to
feel your hands on mine again. And though I asked if it would be weird to kiss
you, and though you said no, I wouldn’t have done it anyway. If I were to kiss
you, we would both be sober. It’s so hard when we’re both shy, but I… just… I want
to keep you with me for a long time. You are the one who always makes me feel
better about myself. All the other guys wanted me because they thought I was
pretty and they thought they could sleep with me, and when they found out they
weren’t getting that, they left. But you know me so well, my fears, my
dislikes, what I love to eat, and the rest. You observe without realizing and I
like that. Maybe I like that you give me your attention, I don’t know. And I just
really love talking to you. Thank you for coming into my life. You brought
meaning into it, and every day I look forward to seeing your texts. I like you…
a whole lot. This isn’t everything I want to write, but this is just enough for
me to realize that I do like you and that I don’t want to lose you. I trust
you. And I want you to be the person I fall in love with. You don't have to fall in love with me. I don't mind.... Thats how much you mean to me. You affected me that badly. I just want you to know that you are the best
thing that had happened to me during 2012. ♥
know me
may tran 
personal treasure box
okbye